It wasn't until I got home from Sailing classes that I realized the turtleneck I wore all week was one of my mothers. I wish I'd thought about it, made a conscious decision to wear it, but I didn't. It was just in the laundry and I grabbed it because it was convenient.
That's what so much of life is really — convenience, not thought out, not considered. There's really just no time. That's my excuse. When I started looking at all I had to do to make this happen I realized, "I don't have the time." And that scared me. It's how regrets are born.
This week I've gotten dozens of emails, from friends, clients, strangers. All of them want something, none of them want to pay me for it. And I feel guilty?! What's that about? There's a woman in Africa I send money to when I have it. She buys chickens and livestock and food. Her church needs a roof. It will cost $6,000. I've been there, photographed the church, seen the roof and am amazed that's all it will cost. I promised to try to help her, but I don't have the time. I'm working on a proposal for a client who already has two best-selling books, but doesn't want to pay in advance for a proposal. I'm writing on spec because I believe in the project, but I'm a fool for doing it because that means more bills, no income.
The people who want to see this project happen are insistent and pushy, and I finally said no to them all. I am not an ATM. I do not have the money to buy a boat, insurance, equipment and pay my bills. I am feeling resentment and anger. This is not what I wanted this to be about.
I am having my own regrets - regrets at having told anyone about my dream, regrets at not saying no to the never ending stream of takers, users and losers that funnel towards me like ants to spilled sugar.
Maybe this whole project is about pointing a finger (the middle one) at everyone and just leaving. I want to scream "NO!" to everyone. Maybe that is why we have regrets. We can't say no to life and yes to us.
That's what so much of life is really — convenience, not thought out, not considered. There's really just no time. That's my excuse. When I started looking at all I had to do to make this happen I realized, "I don't have the time." And that scared me. It's how regrets are born.
This week I've gotten dozens of emails, from friends, clients, strangers. All of them want something, none of them want to pay me for it. And I feel guilty?! What's that about? There's a woman in Africa I send money to when I have it. She buys chickens and livestock and food. Her church needs a roof. It will cost $6,000. I've been there, photographed the church, seen the roof and am amazed that's all it will cost. I promised to try to help her, but I don't have the time. I'm working on a proposal for a client who already has two best-selling books, but doesn't want to pay in advance for a proposal. I'm writing on spec because I believe in the project, but I'm a fool for doing it because that means more bills, no income.
The people who want to see this project happen are insistent and pushy, and I finally said no to them all. I am not an ATM. I do not have the money to buy a boat, insurance, equipment and pay my bills. I am feeling resentment and anger. This is not what I wanted this to be about.
I am having my own regrets - regrets at having told anyone about my dream, regrets at not saying no to the never ending stream of takers, users and losers that funnel towards me like ants to spilled sugar.
Maybe this whole project is about pointing a finger (the middle one) at everyone and just leaving. I want to scream "NO!" to everyone. Maybe that is why we have regrets. We can't say no to life and yes to us.
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